Day 21: On the road again

The weekend was fun, had a friend come down. Turns out though I did have a drink. Had a few pints saturday night and a couple whilst watching the derby BUT I didnt get completely leathered, though i did feel it, still fresh the next day though. For this i apoligise but I havnt drank since then and now i'm going to make it to the end of the month, even with my new found wealth hah.

im carryin' on

So it's been a strange feeling because I didn't achieve my goal, quite far from it, but in the pub today i was back on the cokes, my worst enemy. Same price, headache regained. Still, the good thing is i want to keep this up. Not entirely quit no no, but in Febuary try and introduce some sort of social drinking. Before Christmas I was binge drinking, 4 or 5 times a week, around 2 days a week i'd get destroyed and to be honest was starting to forget what it was like to wake up WITHOUT  a hangover. I feel quite different this month, the times i've drank it's fealt like more of an occasion rather than a neccesity as it did before and i'd like to continue this feeling but still I havnt enjoyed the drinks i've had because it has always fealt like cheating. I havnt replaced the booze with anything, except snooker i guess hah. I've had some pretty bad moods, i've really reflected on some stuff and i've been alot better in work but socially, I havn't been around and when you're tryin' to meet new people i'm finding it difficult to come up with ideas apart from let's go for a drink. anyway, 9-10 days left now or something like that, actually typing it out though it seems daunting. 10 days..

I'm smoking around 3-4 cigarettes a day at the moment but I don't want them to creep back in so tommorow i'm not going to buy a pack, i've got a couple of half days in work coming up so I should be able to manage.

My outlook on life hasn't changed so much but i've got an feeling I should enjoy life more, i'm not sure if it's the sobriety talking or it's just another one of my ideas but I find myself filled with ambition. There's things i'd like to achieve I don't just want to move to London and continue down the same path as before of hangovers and half hearted efforts.

I can't wait for the 1st of Febuary though, I will be getting, extremely drunk I should imagine.

Day 14: Slowly lowering

The bank balance is becoming dangerously low, it's my last chance over the next few days to buy a drink before it finally runs out... Think I can hold on for a few days, got a friend coming down this weekend! Should be fun, we're both not drinkin' so it's excellent the only thing i'd say though is it's the Derby on Sunday! I might have a pint, a might indeed, I've never not had a pint during the derby i'm sorry I just don't think i can go into a pub to watch the football and not have a beer, so i'm 50/50 at the moment.

Thursday was fun, party never happened I was out of work too late so i met my friend dave and his friend Alex and we headed down Camden high st. bar after bar, staying sober the whole way. Got a gang of people back to the house in the end about 4am but I only really wanted one to come back and when everyones just in a room and you're not drunk it's pretty boring, and they're pretty annoying, and you kinda just wanna go bed :-P.

Nothing happened anyway. So yeah, gonna be skint soon so drinkin just can't happen, i'm tired to be honest, i've had 1 day off in nearly 2 weeks, Sunday and Monday will be a welcome break if im honest.

Day 12: up, work, sleep

That's pretty much all you need to know, I got up, I went to work, I went home, fell asleep in front of antiques roadshow. Literally to tired to write a post. Still catchin up after Billingsgate market.

Party tonight though! Goin' sober... hmmm... should be interesting. Not in till 6 friday though so should be interesting! x

Day 11: Canary fucking shitting wharf.

Ever got on the tube with two bin bags full of fish at 8am? You quickly become the antichrist.

I didn't sleep and went straight billingsgate at 4am, had a couple of cigs in the cold and rain, head banging, gettin buses and taxis across London trying to find this thing. It was awesome when we got there though, got some great ideas and inspiration.

I think i'm tired or somethin'

Then for some reason I went straight to work at 9 and i've just got back at midnight, after being awake for 31 hours, the last thing on your mind is beer, The only thing I wanna do is eat these pizzas and watch american pie in peace :) xx

Day 10: Acheived FA

Today has consisted of one walk to the shop, and the rest of the time in my pjamas in bed or watching police camera action in the front room. Tommorow morning we are heading to billingsgate fish market at 4AM! 4AM WHYYYYY!!

Because that's when the fish arrive.

Gonna get my head down, attempt to be fresh for tommorow. I wrote my CV out it took me 2h20 mins and it really aint that good. ahhh beefys tired and needs his rest.

Day 9: Roll up.. Roll up...

A short and easy day at work meant energy levels where good and when me and joe where asked to go to a blues bar in Soho with Ritch and friends we agreed. We got to this bar about 7, real awesome live blues bands on, packed full of people, everyone drinking, having fun. I go to the bar, "1 kronenbourg and 1... have you got any alcohol free beer?" I said, she was spanish, thought i was askin for free beer or something. In the end we both settled on ginger beer. We sat, we listened, everyone chatted and after about everyones 3rd pint i finally caved and asked joe for a rolly, it's a good way to meet girls I guess and we did but nothing materialised obviously. Well it gets to 11 and i've had a couple of rollys, Joe's getting pretty slaughtered, i've had about 6 of these fuckin' ginger beers and i've got a headache, you can't drink that much soft drink it's fucked.

About midnight we headed home to Camden empty handed, It's a long journey home with Joe insisting he's got cash in his bank, it proves to be wishful thinking and I buy him a kebab. We get back to the place and i've gone quiet by this point. I'm in my room and a couple of guys come to say hi they've got beers and are all pretty much drinking. I couldn't resist any longer, I had a couple of cups of cider and a can of beer, I didn't get drunk but that wasn't the point, most dissapointed in myself for not just retiring to bed but after the last 6 days being spent in work... well no there's no excuse. I said often it's the eleventh day that gets me well this time it's the tenth... But this time i'm not goin' to go back like the other times, i'm going to view this as a minor blip, it may have been a late night but I wasn't legless, I barely fealt the alcohol. I'm going to try not to let it happen again but honestly I don't think I can do nights out without having a little something to drink...

I've got a party on Thursday night, usually the time i'd get really wrecked but i'm going to turn up empty handed (sound like a cool guy huh) and see how it goes.

The whole of January? I can't believe I didn't make it, there's still the constelation prize of not getting drunk for January or not drinking for the rest of it. I'm going to carry on the experiment best I can.

The enemy!

Day 8: Ignore and Home.

Out of work and into the streets of Camden on a saturday night. The guys all had beers after work but I settled for just watching whilst they rolled their cigarettes and opened cold cans. Many plans had been made but nothing materialised and once again i found myself walking home with Joe. We walked to a local takeaway just to pass some time before the inevetable bed and squandered money on what can only be described as school dinners.
Walking round Camden at 1am is a strange experience sober, you notice so much more. I counted atleast 4 girls crying in the space of two blocks, 3 fights, 3 police cars and 4 ambulances in about 20 minutes but still yearned to be part of the crowd that surrounded me, packed into room of sticky floors and rolling eyes, a testament to the endurance of youth but no, not for me. I saw the crowded pubs, the stumbling hordes, the gruesome kisses and raised voices and thought to myself i'm better off walking home, there's no way I can play catch up with these, they're too far gone.

Home now, into bed, got a 10 am start tommorow then Sunday night and all of Monday off. My frist in a week, a usual 'get pissed' situation. What do I do on my fucking nights off? It's going to be seriously dull.

On a brighter note though, my exercise is going swell! Bags of energy, nothing to use it on.

Day 7: Over the hump

Home and more football manager, it's 3 am and i speak to you with a clear brain on a Friday night. Strange feeling I never made it out in the end but tommorow night it will happen definately.
It's going to be a fun challenge but I feel I don't need cigarettes anymore, hopefully they're gone forever, too expensive, that's my only reason for giving up them.

Do miss 'em though... haha.

Yeah rejected free can of beer after work... Why should I of though. One beer after work on a Friday night can do no harm surely? I don't think this is about that though, I dont think it's about just cutting down. I think it's about a lifestyle choice and an experiment to see how booze improves or worsens my life. I'll say no for now, maybe my brains trying to trick me. Have to make sure I dont drink until Febuary 1st otherwise there is no way back for me!

Come on Beefy, etchya goooo! xxx

Day 6: Finally..

Im feeling the best I have in months, for different reasons than the drinking and smoking, i've got clarity, closure, had a fun day. Apparently I look fresh, well after that news, I feel fresh. Tommorows going to be nice, a sense of relief and freedom. I'm finally doing what I always said I would and there's more to come.

Basically I can do what the fuck I want, it's just dawned on me. Sober night out tommorow, should be fun
-_-                

Day 5: Out of sync

I never started this in anyway to be self righteous, I did it purely for myself and just to see what it was like but i'm pleased to say i've got a few followers, not on the blog but in real life who are joining me this January and giving the booze a rest I say fair play and if this blog has helped then great but it was never for that intention, got quite a few readers now so i think it's really going well!
Did I have an alternate motive when I created this blog? Partly, unintentionally though, I don't want to get into details though, I know them, they're not important, it's not important. Today I woke up and never made the weights, i barely made the shower in time for work after a late night of takeaway, i was in a funny mood last night, tired from work really but i'm even worse today if im honest, I feel completely out of sync, like I just cannot concentrate and it's been like this all afternoon. I've got to be truthful in this blog or there is just no point in writing it, otherwise i'm just writing a story, the other reason I think i'm out of sync is the last of the illegal substances are leaving my body, I took drugs on new years eve and i think they're now leaving my system, bringing me down, telling me to take more. This is kind of the reason I stopped drinking aswell, it's a lifestyle I don't want to be associated with anymore, it's nothing my mind wants, honestly I don't think it's something my mind can handle. The time is now midnight and all I want to do is go to sleep, i'm going to after this.

Today on my break me and a friend Eugene headed to the bookmakers after talking to each other about it we both semi convinced each other, it really didnt take alot i must admit. It was just 2 £1 accumulators but I just hope this isn't what i'm trying to replace everything else with and I doubt it, i've always had a gamble and usually it's came after a few beers. Snooker seems to be the thing i'm replacing it with! I've been to the snooker hall 3 times in 3 days!
I've come to realise over the last couple of days aswell though that i'm the same person when i'm drunk as when i'm not. I still make mistakes, I'm somewhat emotional, i'm somewhat awkward but more importantly i'd like to think i'm some fun. The booze was just giving me an excuse to be all these things but you know, that's who I am and i wont change, i'm gonna make mistakes but the difference is i don't learn from them when i'm drinking.

Day 4: Back in work

Cold morning, warm bed, the phone gives off a whiring alarm, it's a horrid alarm, i've grown to hate it over the year or so i've had it, usually because it wakes me up and sharply introduces me to a foul foul headache then reminds me i've got to be in work in 8 minutes. Today felt different though, today felt as if it was waking me up gently, casually reminding me that I have work today but the day will go quick and you may even enjoy it! A cigarette is always needed on the way to work but not today, I want to, so so badly but i know I can't. Work starts, no major annoyance, no cravings until my break at 3, but instead of rushing down for a fag. I continued to work, while everyone else left, just keeping my mind focused on the job, getting things done. Me and Joe headed to play snooker right after work and no cans involved this time either, i always have a beer after work though, I do nearly every working day, i'm not talking drunk, i'm talking 3 or 4 cans. Today was different, i'm home now obviously and it feels like I should have had a beer, there's beer all around this house, there's vodka and mixer, whatever i fancy, i've just worked a 14 hour day, ive got 2 more 14 hour days coming up but maybe let's try doing these without a hangover, seeing if i'm more or less stressed at the end of it all and let's see how much energy I have.
Now i'm waiting for a takeaway quite content but apprehensive about the next few days, so quickly my attitude to life can change and i'll just scrap this off and have a wild night out and continue on the same path, if not worse, it's happened before, it can happen again. My brother gave me 5 days apparently (cheers joe!) and tommorows that day and i reckon it's going to be a difficult one.

But i've attempted this twice in the last 5 years and one day has always got me, the 11th day. The fact that i've made such a point about it and can remember the last times i gave up and how long for only makes me more determined to see this through. More tommorow, my mind wasn't with it tonight, i need some sleep.

Day 3: Tempertation

I woke up late, around one after a late night of catch up TV, after two more hours of bed i finally get up, get showered, do some weights, I dont have energy yet and i thought it'd be here already, quite frustrating, i decide i've got to venture out of the house at some stage.
Finally i left the house after careful planning and consideration, a phonecall from friend Ritchie was all it took and we agreed to meet a the snooker hall at 7. On my way down i stop at the co-op, instead of the usual 4 cans of lager and ten cigarettes it was ginsters and diet coke, saving of £6.... Didnt feel like saving, felt like the life being sucked out of me. Anyway! we met in the pub next door. Ritchies sitting down he sees me, greets me then asks the question i'd been dreading.. "What d'you want to drink bro?"
"Nothing man, i've quit drinking." I replied but then hastely for some reason added "But just for January!" Ritchie looked bemused but we quickly got into a short discussion , the reasons etc, money, fatigue and everything that went with it.
We went next door to the snooker hall, played about 3 games then it hits, everything starts to annoy me, i mean everything, i couldn't take a shot without hearing something right before. It was real annoying to say the least. Ritchie goes to get himself a pint and comes back with two in his hand, I quickly refuse but for anybody who knows ritchie this was a test, to see if im doing it for real. hes happy to have them both to himself anyway i imagine. After snooker we headed back next door, i order a coke, ritchie a pint and we quickly get talking and it feels normal it feels fine but i finish my coke pretty sharpish, i dont want another one, what do i do, ritchies nursin that pint. he notices this though and quickly sinks it and puts his jacket on, i imagine in part for my benefit. I've got other friends that well.. may not be as considerate.

on the walk home i head to Sainburys, usually by now i'd be half cut and wanting a few more cans to end the night but instead i just get food and head home and now hopefully instead of going into work hungover and as late as im possibly allowed to be i'm going to get up early tommorow, with energy, go for a run, some weights then into work fresh with my tenner intact.

Day 2: Think i'll just...

Radio, TV, then Football manager, the constant rotation keeping my mind active as i spend yet another day indoors but i've found my debit card now so hopefully tommorow i'll make it out of the house and test myself against the real world.
I'm trying to be as brutally honest about this as I can, I believe I have some level of alcohol dependancy as I believe many people my age do. What is the difference between "Going out and partying when you're young" and being a young alcoholic? As under 25s do we believe that once in full adult life, like our mothers and farthers it will all sort itself out and you'll calm down, i'm starting to believe now that age is just a number and it's actions that we take today in life rather than tommorow that can really change our path.
Every so often today i'd place my hand to my side or look at the bench next to me to look for my cigarettes only to realise that for some reason i'd decided to give up. It's been 24 hours since my last cigarette and 39 since my last drink. I've spent £16 on a pizza instead of £30 on pizza and beer and cigarettes. I dont feel bored but then again it's only been 2 days, i came in from the kitchen earlier, and awkward moment with an estonian girl in the kitchen meant i left without my cup of water, i came into see the cider on the floor, still with a screw cap firmly locked on.

Fuck I am thirsty i thought, my brain actually tried to get me to drink, i thought i'd wait though until the estonian girl left the kitchen and get myself some water and get hydrated.
I don't know whether to leave the left over booze from new years eve in my room as a constant reminder or test to myself or infact to pour it out the window in some kind of over blown, cheesey American TV drama ceremony. You know, sun setting, liberation music. I'm going to take the peter barlow approach, orange juice in the pub, sunken eyes, broken dream.

Day 1: Wishful thinking?

I'm in bed, i've got 5 live on, my head is pounding and this is pretty much were I intend to reside for the rest of the day. A wasted day indeed i'm sure you'll agree. my bank balance is shot and I dont really want to think about it, i've got 3 cigarettes left until I pack those in aswell, the price is just too high now and it's time they went too.
I look around the room, is this as easy as I thought it would be? There's half a bottle of vodka, a litre of cider, could do with a drink, i'm off tommorow so... NO beefy no. Let's actually give this a shot. I look over to the other side of my room to my weights, hmm maybe tommorow, they've been gathering dust for too long now. Maybe I need to replace drinking with something else and i'm thinking exercise... but not today, today we rest.